The RM Reward

I didn't hear one of the most popular missionary proverbs until I was well into my mission. I don't know if it's still popular, but 11 years ago it was all over the place on the mission. It went something like this: the harder you work on your mission the hotter your wife will be afterwards.

Yeah.

Before I go any further I want to say that yes, I know that this isn't official LDS Church doctrine and yes, I realize that it's a flippant saying. But the thing is that sayings like this are the result of a lot of underlying assumptions and unspoken understandings. This proverb says more about the culture from which it comes than it does about the kids who repeat it.

Basically what is being said is that a woman is a reward for a man's efforts. The woman is passive, without independence or choice. It's the man who acts, the man who chooses, the man who makes an effort. This idea, that a hot wife is the reward for good missionary service, is a reflection of broader societal sexism, sexism that is only enhanced by the gender segregation of the Mormon Church.

This proverb also touches on that other hot button Mormon feminist topic, that of the pretty requirement in Mormon cultural femininity. That being pretty is of primary importance but only a specific kind of pretty. We have to be kind and girlish and innocent with pretty hair and nice clothes and well-applied make-up. And it's not about self confidence, our feelings aren't really a part of the equation, it's about the image we present to others, especially men. Our worth is tied up in our physical appearance in a way that it isn't for Mormon Men. It's telling that the proverbial wife is hot, not righteous or intelligent or hard-working, hot. Even in a putative joke we can see what our culture values.

Like I said, this isn't only a Mormon problem (for a recent example please see Anita Sarkeesian's fantastic analysis of the Damsel in Distress trope in video games) but the notion of the hot wife reward is not something you really see in broad American culture. Maybe it's because we send our young men off on missions (or quests) and so, because of the stories they've heard their entire lives, they believe that a woman will be their reward. They've proven themselves and now they get to have their side of the happily ever after.

But what does that say about the female side of the equation? Because sister missionaries weren't made the same promise, we never even had a joking promise that our service would ensure us a hot husband. Of course, for so many years a sister missionary was anomalous. It will be interesting to see the cultural changes that happen as sister missionary service is normalized. Will sisters co-opt the proverb? Will they start to joke about the hot husband they'll find when they get home? Will they expect a reward for their service?

However, gender-equal objectification isn't the answer. What we need to do is work on drafting a new cultural narrative, one that educates young men on women's individuality and worth (beyond the pedestal-ization of mothers and wives) but allows young women to be their own actors, to realize that their worth isn't in their appeal to a man but rather in themselves and in their service, just like it is for young men.

It's exciting to see the surge in sister missionary service. It's already started to break up the missionary boy's club and I can't wait to see the broader effects it will have down the road.